I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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