I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
