I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
