Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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