drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex on a dog bed..
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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