Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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