i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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