Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize