i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if only i could text you this smell
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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