party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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