winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
