she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
