How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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