he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
