woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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