could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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