she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
