Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
