i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
