booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
