Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
