Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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