i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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