@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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