Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
