tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
