why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
