Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
