i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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