ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
