38 yer olds are good kisserssss
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
