Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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