I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
