a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
