her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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