Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
