I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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