Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
