she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
