youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
