My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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