I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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