just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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