If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
