I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
