I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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