i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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