my phone needs a breathalizer
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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