how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize