the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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