now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize