So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize