"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
