so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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