recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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