What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
